Wrestling with God (Genesis 32)

I have to wrestle with God. why? why can't life just be easy, why can't my heart love first and hate second?I pray that your spirit would be within me, that i would find forgiveness easy, that i would accept forgiveness for my own sins. I am weary fighting with the old nature. At one point I used to prevail and now the old nature prevails, it's too hard to wrestle, it's too hard to persevere till the end. But focus must always be kept on God. Everytime I look within, I despair. IF only I could be free from the shackles of sin which bind me down. IF only you would change my heart in an instant. Like Paul I say that the good that i want to do I don't and the bad that i don't want to do, I do....oh wretched man that I am. Look above to Jesus Christ, our saviour, our great I am, the one who conquered sin. He is sufficient in any and every temptation. I pray that I would live for you again like you once helped me to. Your love surrounds me day by day, I am here today and breathing and alive because you chose to have mercy on me, mercy i did not deserve. I turned my back on you and walked away glancing back briefly to see if you would call me back. But you said: "child, i have given you all you need to trust me, if you do not trust me then you are not worthy to know me." You are faithful even when we are faithless and everything you do is righteous and just. Help me to love you like I love myself. Why is my heart so stone cold towards you? Why do I struggle to love the God who gave his life for me, who became sin so that i might become righteousness. Why do I look at the cross and not respond as I should? Why do the small acts of kindness done toward me by man instill a deep gratitude yet the most loving act ever done leaves me standing still instead of running into your arms. I pray that you wouldn't wrestle with me for too long or too hard and give me your blessing of achanged heart.